What Does it Mean to Be a Submissive Wife?

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A submissive wife. Are you kidding me? You want me to be my husband’s slave? You want me to do everything he tells me to do and bow to him? I hear it all the time from women in online groups and forums. Whether it is assumed that the wife is to be a passive participant while her husband bosses her around or that she is to wait on him hand and foot while he does nothing and barks orders at her; it’s a common misconception. Being a submissive wife does NOT mean that you are your husband’s slave.

Have you ever wondered what the submissive woman meaning?

To better understand what it means to be a submissive wife, let’s take a closer look at the submissive meaning.

The word submissive is defined as: inclined or ready to submit or to put oneself under authority of another.

Now, let’s take a look at what a submissive wife biblically means.

Bible.org says The Greek word Paul uses here in relation to submission is a military term meaning to put oneself in rank under another. God has ordained the principle of authority and submission in a number of different spheres: Citizens are to be subject to civil authorities (Rom. 13:1; Titus 3:1); slaves to their masters (Col. 3:22; Titus 2:9); church members to their leaders (1 Cor. 16:16; Titus 2:15; Heb. 13:17); children to their parents (Col. 3:20); and wives to their husbands (Eph. 5:22, 24; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Pet. 3:1). Every time the New Testament speaks to the role of wives, the command is the same: “Be subject to your husband.”

image of couples hands praying over Bible for the post What Does it Mean to Be a Submissive Wife?

Notice that describes submit as to be subject to. It does not say to be a slave to. Biblically, the submissive meaning is to put yourself under the authority of your husband. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are instructed to, “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” and in Ephesians 5:22, wife are told to, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord”

When a husband loves his wife as he loves the church and when women focus on their role to love and be subject to their husbands, according to scripture, marriage is loving, kind and harmonious, not abusive or a slave to master relationship.

Submission is a voluntary action by the wife. It is a God-driven desire to please your husband and act under his authority just as Christians are to act under the authority of the church.

While the husbands are to be the head of the household, the wife is not commanded to keep her mouth shut and never give her opinion on matters. “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26 ESV) The wife can and should share her thoughts on important family and household topics with her husband but she should do so in a way that is pleasing to God. How? Choose your words carefully. Don’t argue or try to prove your point just to be right.

In a biblical marriage, the wife is the helpmeet of her husband. She should support him and give counsel. Ultimately, he is to make decisions based on sound biblical knowledge AND his wife’s wisdom and faithful instruction. The wife is to support her husband and back his decisions even when she doesn’t agree.

While the Bible instructs women to confront their husbands regarding their sin:

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,

1 Peter 3:1 (ESV)

It does not say that women should be quiet and use only their actions. The key is HOW women use their words. True submission is demonstrated in both words and actions. Wives are to submit to their husbands as husbands are to submit to God. Submissive wives are not doormats!

Often, I hear women lamenting that being submissive doesn’t work in today’s world or that the Bible was written thousands of years ago and that those same principles don’t make sense today. I say “nonsense”! While division of labor in the home has changed drastically throughout history and varies from home to home and marriage to marriage, the Bible, and God, are unchanging. Husbands are still to be the authority in the home and act as the spiritual leader.

Submissiveness is not timidity, it is not servility, it is not subservience, it is not docility, it is not degrading, it is not a sign of weakness.

Submission is a sign of strength, not of weakness and a greater degree of submission requires a greater degree of strength of personal character.

Being Submissive To Your Husband Means:

  • Supporting his decisions even when you don’t agree
  • Following his spiritual lead
  • Having a heart toward satisfying your husband

Being a submissive wife does not mean:

  • Being physically or emotionally abused
  • Being forced to do things that are illegal or immoral just because your husband told you to
  • Going against God’s wishes over that of your husband (For example, if a non-believing husband tells his wife that she cannot attend church)
Submissiveness is not timidity, it is not servility, it is not subservience, it is not docility, it is not degrading, it is not a sign of weakness.Submission is a sign of strength, not of weakness and a greater degree of submission… Click To Tweet

How to be a Submissive Wife to Your Husband:

1. Serve Him First

Whether putting dinner on the table or putting his needs above the others in your family, serving him first, demonstrates to him and your children that your husband is the head of the household. It is showing your husband the respect that he deserves.

2. Make an Effort to Take Care of Yourself, Physically, Spiritually and Emotionally

Hey, I know that life is busy, but I also know that when you are not looking or feeling your best, you can’t give your best to your husband.

Get plenty of rest, spend time in God’s Word and make an effort to look your best. I’m not saying that you need to be in makeup, a dress and heels, everyday. I’m just saying that when you make an effort to look and feel good for your husband, he will notice and that your marriage will reap the rewards. (See this post on Beauty is Fleeting).

What can you do to ensure that you are taking good care of yourself and making an effort for your husband?

3. Make His Home a Haven

When you husband comes home after work, does he come home to you and kids clamoring for his attention? Toys strewn about the living room? Noise and chaos? Or does he come home to a smiling, welcoming family that is relatively neat?

Yes, your day may have been stressful, too, but I promise you that if you make an effort for your husband to come home to a calm home, it will give him time to “decompress” and he will be react accordingly.

Your husband has been pulled in all directions at work, when he comes home, his home should be a place of refuge and refreshment, not more stress.

Studies have shown, too, that a disorganized home can foster stress.

What does your husband come home to?

4. Listen, Pray, THEN Respond Lovingly

Many men find communication to be difficult. When your husband does talk to you (be it about the weather, his favorite sports team or an issue at work), listen to him. Don’t interrupt. Don’t give your advice. Just listen. Then ask God how you should reply.

Just having a sympathetic ear will foster comfort in your husband to communicate more often.

He may want your opinion or he may just want to vent. Allow him to do that, safely. Then lovingly respond.

5. Give Your Opinion, but Accept His Decision

All marriages face decisions from which restaurant to dine at or major decisions like whether or not relocate.

Calmly share your opinion on the matter, including your rationale for it, but ultimately, these decisions are your husband’s responsibility.

Allow him to understand your feelings, but when he makes a decision respect his decision– even if, especially if, you don’t agree.

God has given him authority over your home and marriage for a reason. Respect him and respect God.

He may fail, but don’t use the old “I told you so”. Instead, support him and repeat the process (listen, share, pray and accept).

6. Let Him Protect You

Men are natural warriors and protectors. Your husband wants to do that for you, too. Are you allowing him to?

God created men to be hunters, providers, generators/producers, fighters/warriors and to achieve, succeed and win.

Are you letting him fight for you? Provide for you? Or are you, like me, a naturally strong woman, and struggle with this?

I’m a get-it-done kinda woman. I see a need, I want to fill it. I see a wrong, I want to right it.

My husband, on the other hand, avoids conflict and is much more laid back than me.

When someone hurts us, I have to pray and ask God to help me let my husband lead and protect us and NOT take action, myself.

How do you do in this area?

7. Put Him Above Your Children in the Family Chain of Command (and Importance!)

There is no love like that of a mother for her child. I adore my children as I’m sure you adore yours. That is a beautiful thing. Until that love becomes an idol or displaces the role of a husband to a wife.

I know. I know. This may seem harsh, but bear with me for a moment.

We are going to address two biblical realties here. First, God designed marriage to be a three cord strand, not a four, five or six or more cord strand. In biblical marriage, God comes first then our husbands and ourselves.

While we are to love and care for and nurture our children, we are not to place them before our husbands.

In 1 Peter 3 , we read:

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,

1 Peter 3 (ESV)

This means serving your husband his dinner first. It means buying his favorite snacks at the grocery store. It means respecting his needs and his wishes. It means choosing his wants over your children’s wants.

This practice not only pleases God as it is how He designed marriage, but it is modeling a good, God-honoring marriage for your children to see.

When we put our children first, they learn to be self-centered. The learn that, even though the Bible says that the husband should be the wife’s first priority, mom doesn’t put much stock in that.

I encourage you to pray and ask God to shine a light on any area of your marriage and motherhood that is not pleasing to Him. It may be uncomfortable but it is only through discomfort that we can grow and live a life that honors God.

8. Let Him Be Your Champion and Warrior

This is related to allowing him to protect you, but it goes much further. I look to my husband as my warrior, my hero. He comes right after God on my list of priorities.

In movies, the champion is adored. People seek him out for advice, action and protection. I seek my husband out the same way. He is my champion and my best friend.

Is your husband your champion and warrior? Do you put him first? Or is he just another mouth to feed and pile of laundry to wash?

Respect him in his role of champion and warrior. Your marriage will be blessed for it.

Apply the Biblical Principles of a Submissive Wife to Your Marriage

Review the download “30 Ways to Submit to Your Husband Each Day of Your Marriage”

(Please click the image below for the multi-page download right out of my course, The God Centered Marriage)

seven page pdf with Bible verses reminding us of the submissive meaning and how to submit to your husband for the post  Does it Mean to Be a Submissive Wife?

Prayerfully answer the following questions and complete the PDF: 10 Ways I Commit to Being a Submissive Wife to my Husband (download and print by clicking the image)

image of pdf 10 ways I commit to being submissive to my husband for the post What Does it Mean to Be a Submissive Wife?
  • Do you agree or disagree with the above about being a submissive wife? Why or why not?
  • Do you consider yourself a submissive wife?
  • What does being a submissive wife mean to you in the context of biblical instruction?
  • Is there an area of your marriage that you struggle with terms of being a submissive wife?
  • What can you do to change that?
  • What is God telling you about submission?

Prayer for the Submissive Wife

Dear Lord, please help me to understand what it means to submit, to You, Lord, and to my husband. The world tells us that submission is a bad thing. In a day where Your ways are not accepted, please help me to remain strong and live as the wife You created me to be. Show me what it means to submit to my husband in marriage.

Help me to remain humble and gentle. Please help us to submit our hearts to you, Lord. Thank you for the gift of your grace that lives in me so I can live as You’ve called me to live. Your Word says that I’m to submit to my husband as to You (Ephesians 5:22). I need your help with that, Father.

Shield me from others who say that it is weak to submit. Remind me that submission is strength and that I need Your help to live that way. Please give me grace to face adversity and help me to look to You when I am faced with the opinions of others in this matter.

Father God, help me to use words that build up and not tear down and to be a positive, godly influence in my husband’s life. Remind me, though, that I am to submit and not battle him. Allow me to see the beauty in submission and following what You say about marriage.

Heavenly Father, help us to keep our eyes fixed on you and to always place You at the center of our marriage.

Amen.

Do you agree or disagree with the above about being a submissive wife? Do you consider yourself a submissive wife? What questions do you have about being a submissive wife?

In the comments below, share what that means to you in the context of biblical instruction. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this!

Here are my recommendations for books on the subject if you would like to learn more about being a biblically submissive wife:

Submission Is Not Silence Paperback by Elisabeth Julin

The Submissive Wife: Breaking the Strong Arm of Jezebel Paperback by Tiffany Buckner

Or listen to them on Audible Plus with a free trial!

You may also enjoy this brief video by Pursue God:

In His perfect love and my imperfect love,

Sue

To read about what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman in today’s world, check out the post HERE

ESV – “Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.”

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93 Comments

  1. I love my husband so much, and I really want to be submissive to him. But he does things the wrong way always. He is out of Job and can’t provide for I and my 11months old son. I usually wouldn’t nag or quarel with him, but he is not just doing it right. Right now we live in his mom’s house and it’s not been easy, his mum and his younger brother practically feeds us, my husband doesn’t want to hustle to care for us, he prefers to beg his brothers and sisters for financial aid, even when they keep quareling and insulting him. Before I gave birth I was working and supporting him, but I got laid off from work cus I gave birth. Each time I let out my opinion on things, he listens but doesn’t take my advice and wen he goes with his own instincts, he fails. I have cried and pleaded with him. I have made him understand what being husband and wife means, but he just doesn’t care. Sometimes I feel getting a divorce is the only option. It’s as if I have moved from grace to grass. Now I quarrel with him and nag him constantly cus I’m emotionally hurt. Should I be submissive to him?

    1. Hi, Cindy: Yes, the Bible tells us to be submissive to our husbands (but not ever when it comes to abuse). I would strongly recommend that you seek Christian counseling from a counselor or Pastor. Your husband’s eyes need to be opened to his role as husband and father. I will be praying for you. God bless you.

  2. I believe in biblical marriage and I understand my place. I have a good husband that takes his responsibility as head of household to heart. He is a good man. I was a single mom for many years before he and I married. In most things I am fine with yielding, submitting. But there are times I unknowingly “step in it” with a decision I’ve made. I guess I don’t yet understand how it applies to everyday things. I tend to make quick decisions on what I think are small things. He feels disrespected and the small things are now huge and I am always left confused. When I am confused or cornered, I say anything to make the conversation end, which of course makes a bigger mess. He is very black and white, I am more on the side of gray and grace. I let things go. He is easily offended and assigns motives. I need time to collect myself and my thoughts, he comes out with guns blazing. I used to have and If-Then chart for my son when he was learning consequences. I wish there was one for what submission looks like in the day to day.

    1. Thank you for sharing! Submission is something that takes practice. I found that I had to pray about it nearly constantly to keep it on my mind. Give it to the Lord and stop to pray before you answer or make any decision. God will guide you. I promise!

  3. Hi
    Please advise me- my husband and I are having an argument about protection. He feels as the protector he should know where I will be sleeping exactly when I’m out of town with friends. I don’t have a problem with that… the problem however is that he feels since I’m not the protector he shouldn’t have to tell me where he will be sleeping. He would just tell me which city or town he is going to.. We operate on a Christianity model where the husband is the provider and protector and where the wife submits. He went as far as to tell me that if I become rebellious and not tell him where I’m sleeping he will divorce me (which I feel it’s a threat and somehow emotional abuse) it is not the first time he has threatened to leave me if I don’t do anything. I feel it is unfair and being submissive should not be used as a way to take advantage of a situation. Overall he provides but I also work and bring in some money. He is caring and allows me to give my opinion and we make decisions together.

    Please provide me with your honest advise me – am I being unreasonable?

    1. Hi, Mary Ann – that is certainly a difficult situation. I would recommend that you go to God with this and also meet with a Christian counselor or Pastor to help you both navigate this. In the meantime, I will certainly keep you in prayer.

  4. I have never read a more brainwashing article. What happened to mutual respect, and understanding? Not to mention equal treatment in a loving partnership?

    1. Hi, Jean – of course mutal respect and understanding are important, but scripture tells us that we are to be submissive to our husbands -not in a doormat way, but in a way that honors both of your roles in marriage. Thank you for sharing your opinion.

  5. what you write sounds so good but my husband did not want to be the leader in any way shape or form. on our first day of marriage 46 years ago he told me taht god had given me a good mind, abilities, etc and i was to use them. he also likes being in his own little world of reading and computers. thus i have always had to be the leader, do things, make it all work out

    Here is our situation. After 46 years of marriage, and through all we have been through with all my husband’s illnesses and me pulling most of the weight we are getting a divorce. And not for the reasons you think.

    His health is not good and he needs to go into a nursing home. The cost for any place near us will take both our retirements leaving me nothing to live on. NOTHING!

    Any place we can afford is hours away and I will still be left with not meeting monthly bills. I would have to discontinue tv, internet and cell phones and then still decide which bill gets paid that month and which does not.

    We do not qualify for Medicaid- to do so I would have to put myself into poverty. Selling the house is not an option, it is paid for and where would I live and what of our pets? I am in a generally safe neighborhood, any other place with cheap rent would be a bad neighborhood.

    Should I rehome the pets, sell the home and live in poverty on very little so my husband can have his needs met? I guess that is what a proper submissive wife would do but I have worked long and hard to have a comfortable life style and be in a safe neighborhood.

    So divorce seems to be the only option because it will be a legal document that states what is his and what is mine and the nursing homes cannot touch it. He will have only his soc. Sec to pay for his bill and a little extra from me. The rest will be in my name so that I will not end up homeless. I found a place that is 2 hours away and I cannot wear a mask, so I will not be visiting him. Without cell phones/internet we will not be in touch much. He will also have to discontinue his amazon account by which he gets audio books.

    Stephen is ill mostly because of his life style which I have tried to tell him over and over again was not good for him. Now we are both suffering for it.

    Still I am open to suggestions as how to avoid this mess, which by the way, – local churches are not interested in helping.

    And just something I came across from another person…patriarchy/complementarianism (like camels, the desert, sheep, togas, etc) is the backdrop of the bible, not the point of it. God can, does and has called women to be leaders, preachers, teachers, evangelists, etc

    Susan in Paris TX

    1. hi, Susan – I’m so sorry that you are facing that situation. Our health system is broken. I’m sure you have gone to the Lord to ask for guidance. i would continue to do so and seek organizations that may be able to provide help. Have you talked to a pastor or Christian counselor about this? Please message me at [email protected] and let me see if there’s any suggestions I can provide. I am praying for you!

      1. OK, l live in the UK where the system is different , but my advice would be divorce him.. Get legal advice and protect yourself
        This is your life , your own health and safety

  6. I wanted to know how working women that are the provider bc their husband is hurt or etc are suppose to be submissive in the relationship

    1. Hi, Ashleigh – thanks for writing. You can still be submissive by words and deeds. Deferring to him, serving him first, etc., as mentioned in the post. Working or not, we can still find ways to be submissive. I’ll keep you in prayer, sister!

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